A letter for you

It may seem like this appears out of blue skies, but it has been weighting on my heart for a while. I have not been able to tell you, until almost now. 

I was seventeen. It was most likely the first party I attended and it was at my co-workers house and his room mate's, you. It was actually the first time I spent time with my co-worker after work, who was gay, and we had a really good time. You and your friends were celebrating that you had just finished an exam in petroleum. 

After a while of pre drinks, you and your friends who were all 23 years old, went downtown to the nightclubs. Me and my friend stayed behind because we were too young to go out. We finished the party by drinking all of your left overs. By the end of the night we got really drunk and we went to bed in my co-workers room. After a while of talking in bed, he tried to kiss me and I felt really uncomfortable, and I decided to sleep on the couch in the living room instead. During the night you came home from the city. Alone. Fortunately you came home to a girl sleeping on your couch... I have no recollection of you coming home at all. All I remember is waking up in your bed the next morning. I did not know you and had barely talked to you. And suddenly I woke up in your bed, naked. On the floor I found a condom covered in blood. I rushed to the bathroom and had a really long shower. I felt so dirty I kept scrubbing and scrubbing to feel clean. 

I do not remember anything else from that day, other than going into my friend's room and saying I was sorry. I probably went home as quickly as possible after that. The next days was a nightmare. My stomach hurt and I was really anxious. I felt so guilty for sleeping with my friend's room mate, which I knew my friend really liked, in a romantic way, and I could not understand how it had happened. I remember having my exams, but all I could manage to do was to stare into empty air, thinking of what I had done. 

It took me five years to realise that it was not me who had done something wrong. Suddenly, while laying alone in bed one night, the truth washed upon me and I swear my body turned cold. My thoughts went dark and I finally understood that what had happened was really not ok, and it was not my fault. A whole week went by with a kind of heavy, sad darkness over me. I was confused to how I could think it was all my fault. You were six years older than me, you came home from town with no luck, empty-handed, and found me there on the couch. Easy target. And we never spoke again. It was my first time, and my first time was a sexual assault. I had no way to consent as I was asleep on the couch. What happened on the way from the couch to your bedroom, I do not remember. Perhaps I had a black out. Nonetheless, I was too drunk to be able to consent to anything at all, half asleep. And the shock, disbelief and bad feeling i woke up with the next day confirms that this was not something I wanted. 

It has taken me almost a decade to get this "down on paper". And for years I have struggled with the fact that this happened. It has caused a lot of stress and vulnerability, and I ended up losing completely control of my body and my rights, in an attempt to regain control of my body. 

Now, after all these years, I have moved on and settled with the thought of this not being a big deal. It still makes me sad to think about what happened and how it has affected my adult life, but I have to move on. I am too aware that nothing can be done, and all I can hope for is that this will not happen to someone else. It is depressing that it will, because too many young men do not understand where the limit is. I just wanted you to know.

A lack of aknowledgment

I want to tell you that I miss you, but I am afraid to tell you because inside I am convinced that you are already done with me.



"so instead I gained a mistrust of myself, and an abiding fear of everyone" - Franz Kafka, Letter to his father

It is heartbreaking to be failing in something so fundamental as love

The talk

How is it possible that it actually takes this long to get over someone. After all this time I still think about him, and I definitely think that we should have talked about why it ended. Unfortunately, I feel that it has been too long now to bring it up, and also he has a girlfriend now. The next best option is to let it all out here. Just to have it said, and also to always remind myself of why it would not have worked between us as it was. 

Basically there were three reasons to why it all ended in my eyes. The first reason is that he did not really open up to me, and never really cuddled with me. I missed that caring, loving touch. I would give him head massages and stroke my fingers on his back and arms, but he would not do it in return. That to me is not okay, if someone expects me to care about them, they better show that they care about me as well. 

The second reason was that, well, the sex was not really that good. I guess mostly because I was not feeling secure and confident around him. What could have been fun and spontaneous, was instead based on my fear of losing him, and he not really liking me the way I liked him. 

The third reason was that I felt like he was ashamed of me, or at least too embarrassed to tell people that we were seeing each other. We actually had to keep it a secret from our group of friends, which he explained was because he did not want to hurt his best friend who also liked me. One time he actually drove all the way home to write on his own computer in an online game, to tell his friend he was not available to play at that moment, and then he came all the way back to my house. That really made me feel like shit, but I still told him that he could come back even though I was pissed, because I thought that if I told him not to come, we would be done. 

I do think a lot about him, and wish that he would come back to me. However, I do know that if we did end up having the conversation, I would not take him back that very second. I would let him know that he did simply not have what I am looking for in a boyfriend. I would also let him know that the way he made me feel, was not right and I know I deserve better. I am not someone anyone should be hiding, or seeing in secret. I am someone who deserves to be shown off to his friends with pride. I deserve someone who makes me feel special, loved and good enough.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit

Mauerbauertraurigkeit - Me described in one word. 

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like - as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognise its rich and ambiguous flavours, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double - blind.

I am not unhappy, I am just a little heartbroken sometimes

Desperation

I feel like I need someone to talk to, and this is my go-to place. I do not know how to sort all my thoughts at this time, but I will do my best. Last year I fell for a guy that was a friend of mine that I had had a crush on for a really long time. We were going out for two months, but he did not want to tell his friends about us and when things got hard everything just ended suddenly. That last part is on me. I always back away as soon as things get difficult, and I hate myself for it. 

I have not talked much to this guy after, but we ended up going on a trip to Crete with our friends together, and sharing rooms. Just before the trip I learned that this guy had told one of the other guys that he had feelings for the other guy's sister. Honestly it was a relief just as much as it was a disappointment for me to learn this before the trip because I did not know what to expect to happen on beforehand, but now I knew we would act just as friends, even though that might be hard sometimes. The week went by and luckily, or unluckily, we went by without having to bring up our past to ruin it all. The problem is that I still have feelings for him, and when I got home and was finally by myself, I burst into tears. Apparently that week had been tougher on me that I had thought. 

A couple nights after my return home, I was turning in bed trying to think of everything but him as I had done the last couple of days. Every time, my thoughts returned to him. I decided to delete our conversation on facebook, but after reading it first I realised there might be a reason why I am the way I am towards people. It got me thinking about elementary school. Every day I biked to school. And the thing is, almost every day I thought about biking into the road without looking for cars, and maybe get hit by one. I had this yearning to get hurt, so that I could see who would even care. I had never thought about this before, that I had had actual suicide thoughts when I was little, and it was all because I wanted attention. That was something I thought about at that time though, that I was just looking for attention and would do anything for it, but the truth is, I almost would. I never had the relationship with my parents where they would tell me they loved me, and if I told them, it would be really awkward for a while. This all made me think that I must be really desperate to feel love, and I think I still feel as desperate. And because of this, I find it very hard to trust people that they actually love me. In the end I push them away because I do not believe they really do feel the same way as I do. 

Sometimes I worry this is the beginning of the illness that my mom has with her thoughts, and that I might have it too. I just do not trust people, and I do not think that they will love me back. So I push them away. 

Be kinder

I write about crawling back into my shell and fighting my instincts, but the truth is, what I am really trying to fight is my biggest fear; to not be loved by the ones I love the most. I am always holding back and afraid to be the one that loves the most, while in fact it is just another way of saying that I am scared people will not like me for who I am.

When I was younger, I always felt that my actions and what I was saying were the right things to do and say. The last couple of years, I have realised that not everything that I think and feel, is right. I started questioning myself, my thoughts, my actions. I am not as perfect in my mind anymore. I do not know if my personality has changed a lot since I was fifteen, or maybe I have always been like this, just too confident in my opinions.

Five years ago I was positive that my friends were going to be forever, but so much has changed. A couple months ago I learned that my closest friend had been mad at me for probably years, and that she had been thinking negatively of me for a really long time. To learn that even my best friend had such a problem with me, makes me really question myself, and it hurts. I also went travelling with two other friends who are more distant friends, and they could not even survive more that a month and a half with me, and I had to continue my trip alone. This has had a huge impact on my self confidence, am I really that bad?

All this was going on in my mind last night, when I was trying to sleep. And as I was twisting and turning in bed, I made up my mind that I should try harder to be more humble and considerate. Be kinder.

The grey zone

I was actually lucky enough to meet someone that I wanted to open myself up a little bit to. Over the last month and a half, I have been completely engulfed in this boy. I was even afraid to tell my friends about him too early, in fear of jinxing it.

We have been talking a lot, daily actually, and I have been seeing him several times a week too. Whenever I get the chance, I invite him over to my place. We cannot stay at his, because he does not want his parents to know me (yet?). This puts me in the uncomfortable position where I have to invite him whenever we are going to meet up. The problem is, that he has me in a place completely new to me. I am used to being in control, not to like anyone and not to feel weak and vulnerable.

I guess I asked him to come over a little too much, and I probably seemed needy and clingy. These sides of me are so completely strange and new to me, I honestly do not understand what is going on. And I hate it. Eventually the texts have been fewer, and I have not seen him for several days. This could all be my imagination and vulnerability speaking, but this new me is nervous and sad to think that all this might be ending.

It hurts to know that we are both sitting alone at home, and that he does not bother to come over unless I ask him to come. I am the one who feels too much, and where did all this come from?! I guess I will just wait and see what happens, but I am afraid I will turn to old habits and reject him as soon as I feel a little bit rejected myself. I know the old me, I know what I would usually do, and I have been fighting my old instincts for so long, trying to give love a chance whenever I get a shot at it. I am crossing my fingers, wishing for this guy to please hold on to me and not get tired of me right a way. Please, love me at least for a just a little while.

So many ways to go

About courage

My New Year's Eve love

Every New Years Eve the last four years, has been celebrated with a certain friend of mine. I did not realise until last summer, how important it was to me that he was present. We have tried to be more than just friends before, but it never felt right. I guess the main reason was me. I always thought it was him who was not ready, now I understand it was me all along. 

I was the one to end it all last May, which I got to regret a few couple of months later. I suddenly realised that I should have given him a second (or third or forth) chance, or more accurate, give myself another chance to have him. Nonetheless, I never got the courage to tell him what I had been thinking. A few weeks later he got a girlfriend. I know, my loss, my fault, but it did sting when I heard it. I pushed him away and I never gave it a real chance, because I expected too much of him and did too little myself. Fortunately I got to celebrate New Year's with him this year as well, and I was really happy about it. I spent most of the night talking to him, which was great. 

I recently watched the movie "The art of getting by" starring Freddie Highmore as George and Emma Roberts as Sally. In the end of the movie George tells Sally that he has been in love with her all along. She is about to go on a trip with her current boyfriend and replies:

You know we're gonna be together one day. [...] It's a long life. We're not done.

They started out as really good friends, who were always attracted to each other. They end up together in the end...

There's always hope

Teach me to love again

As lame as it is, I found a Drake-quote, or perhaps it is someone else who has said these words. I only know that I could relate to this quote, and that it in a way explains me and who I have become. I am not bitter or angry anymore. I just wish to meet a guy sooner than later, who can reassure me that I do not have to be afraid of loving him. 

"She may come across as hard to get, but that's because she's been through a few things, seen a few things, been there and done that. She's cold... Yes, but only because she once cared about someone who failed to care about her. She's built a fortress to protect her heart from further damage. You told her that you're different but she won't believe it until you prove it. Words don't mean a thing, actions are everything."

Desperate

Nobody sees, nobody knows

We are a secret, can't be exposed

That's how it is, that's how it goes

Far from the others

...

                                                                                            Uncover by zara larsson


I made my first move and it was a mistake. I find myself so incredibly desperate to feel joy. Right now I only exist without really living. I smile when I am with friends, but I am not happy with my life. I feel like a failure because of school, my friends are slipping away and I screw it up with everyone else. 

I wish I remembered what it felt like to be in love. My feelings have literally just shut down, and it feels so wrong because I imagined that this period in life would contain more young love and happiness. How did I get it wrong? What am I supposed to do to change it? 

Not good enough

Three years ago I met someone who changed my life, but not in a good way. I am so, so mad at him for fooling me, using me. It has had a huge impact on my life, I do not trust people anymore. He is the reason for my low self confidence when it comes to people, especially guys. 

He really swept me off my feet. He was so irresistibly charming, I could not avoid falling for him. Bad news are that he only used me to make his ex jealous, and I fell for it. I am mad at myself for letting myself be fooled like that, I should not have been so naive. The consequences are something I have to live with all these years later. I am scarred and I hate that he got to do that to me. 

I never let myself develop any feelings for any guys because I am afraid of getting hurt, but mostly, I never think I am good enough. I always compare myself to the former girlfriend or someone else who like him, and I always end up with the conclusion that I do not have what all those other girls have to offer. I am not good enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough. Why would anyone choose me? 

Just my luck

For the first time in what seems like forever, I have met someone that I really could have feelings for. Of course, for me it is not that easy. This wonderful guy, with this enthusiastic personality is the one person I cannot go after. You see, there is this group of friends I have startet to hang out with, and in this group, there is another guy who really likes me. Unfortunately I have to dramatise everything in this situation by liking his friend. Also, the thing about the guy I like is that he just broke up with his girlfriend who was also a part of the group, so of course, it would be a disaster if I told anyone there who I really like. 


Oh, it sounds so stupid and childish, but to me it is really unfair because I would love to finally grow feelings for someone. I am a realistic person and I guess by the time it is "accepted" for him to move on, he has probably found back to his girlfriend or found someone else. I hate hurting people, and I do not think I could bear telling the guy who likes me, that he is not the one my feelings are drawn to. 

Light's out

I wish there was an answer to why I always have to lose the friends that mean the most to me. This happens repeatedly and so it is not strange that I do not let people close to me. It is just very sad. Not entirely sure what to do. I feel so helpless, and sometimes quite alone. Eventually my closest friend will be my cat, probably. 

Nostalgia

I heard this song on the radio today, and it reminded me of a night six years ago when I was listening to it on my ipod. I just enjoy the memories. 

I chose this video because I thought it was better than the original one...

True friendship is forever

Last weekend I hung out with one of my oldest friends. We have not been seeing too much of each other the last couple of years, we sort of slipped apart. 

However, every time we are together it never seems like we were apart. The conversations are flowing and we always have something to talk about. Anyways, we hung out this weekend and I got to meet her boyfriend and the "gang" for the first time. I was so shocked and relieved that she has turned out that good, with great friends. I have been a little anxious about my old gang because two of them are really struggling, but the third one that I am talking about is truly happy I think. 

I was just so amazed by the relaxed, happy and light mood around them. I could not be happier for her, and I really look forward to be spending more time with her and her friends. Also I think it is nice for her as well to have me back in her life a little, we used to be so close. 

Insight

I had had a little too much to drink, it led to a major melt down. I cannot remember last time I cried like that. In a way it brought with it something positive like showing me who is really there for me when I need it the most. I appreciate it. Those feelings had been kept in for quite a while, it really was a relief to feel that empty. 

I am not sure of what I might have shared that night, it bothers me in a way, it is just all so confusing. The bottom point, however, is that I really do not feel safe. It feels like I am on my own, it does not have to be a bad thing. I am independent and live my life as I like. It may be time to grow up and act like an adult for now. 

Actually I changed my style into something more sophisticated and it feels good, we will just have to see how long it lasts. I do not want to be the old me anymore.