I love you

It is so difficult to tell somebody that you love them, or that you really care. Honesty can be so hard to utter. I hardly ever tell my parents that I love them, and when I do I feel like a weirdo because they are not used to such honesty. 


However, some people abuse the word love. 

"Those three words, are said too much, but not enough" 

I love you grandpa, feel better soon. 

Can it get any worse?

This month was supposed to be fun and unforgettable, and it really turned out to be unforgettable, in the worst way ever. It all happened during my two weeks in the states. The first bad news was that my grandpa is very ill, and he is in a hospital in Thailand. He is too sick to come home, and therefore he and my grandma had to stay longer. This really affected my dad and I could see that he was very upset. Three of his siblings went to Thailand to see grandpa, and I can see that my dad really wanted to go too. In the middle of that, my dad also got the news that his beloved boat was stolen. Later he heard that my brother found it, but unfortunately it was a little wrecked.


A day before we were going home, we got the worst news. There had been a bomb in Oslo city which exploded and killed seven people. This was so shocking because that kind of thing just do not happen in Norway. Later that day we heard about something else that had happened back home, and it was terrifying. A man dressed as a cop had entered an island full of AUF youths on summer camp. They were from the age of 11 to 25. The fake cop killed 76 youths. Many of them were hiding, escaping and begging for their lives, but he fired away. The stories about this massacre have been on the screens without any end to it. It is so touching and horrible to read the stories of the victims, how they experienced it. It tears me up inside.




Like a cherry on top of everything, we lost all our three flights home because we read the wrong time of departure from Miami. We had to order new tickets which came on 40 000 altogether for three people.

A long time ago, there was this boy...

When I was a little kid I had so many crushes and "boyfriends" even though we did not really spend time together, therefore they do not really count. 


When I was in the 7th grade, I had my first real relationship. It lasted  for about a month, not because we stopped liking each other, but his father denied us to keep seeing each other. Two years went by and my heart still belonged to him, and with some help from my friend, we got back in touch.  We stayed together for seven months, but being the person who loves the other more, is not simple. I was so in love, but I did not feel the same affection back, so I crawled back into my shell... The day we broke up hurt so much, and I still remember it all. 

A year after I met another guy, who I did not know for long at all. He was really ongoing and eventually I gave in, stopped resisting, and let him kiss me. During the two weeks I knew him, feelings grew unnaturally fast and I really liked him a lot. Suddenly one day he told me he loved me, and I replied that it was not true. He fell silent and later on that night he sent me a message on facebook, telling me that we had to stop seeing each other. The day after he told me he loved his ex and that he had only been using me to make her jealous. It hurt so incredibly bad, and it still does. I just felt so used and hurt because I had given so much of myself and my feelings. 


Six months went by before I had the gut to try again. I gave a friend of me, who had had a crush on me for a while, a chance. At New Years Eve I kissed him and it felt good, but the next days were awkward as hell. He told me he was afraid to say or do anything stupid, which made it all very difficult. About a month later he told me he still had feelings for me, but it did not change anything because he was drunk and he still was not tough enough to sweep me off my feet. 

A couple months later I met someone again, but that too ended as fast as it started. He was too pushy and clingy, and not really my type. I do not really know why we were together, I never really liked him, but I just wanted to give it a chance. The thought of never giving anything a try went out of hand and I think I did a small mistake there. ;-)


This is the story of my tragic love life so far....

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Siesta time!

Just woke up from my siesta, which I wish was an inevitable part of the day.I like to think of myself as a night person, so a midday siesta is just exceptionally. After a power nap like today, I have a whole new battery of energy for the rest of the day!

"With great power...comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later." 

                                                             — Rick Riordan

Letting go

It has been a while. Things have happened, but I have not taken the time to write about it. I am back in my shell, and I have stopped missing my best friend. Which obviously means that something is not as it should. However, I have so many other friends to rely on. Even though I do not think this is the end of our friendship, I definitely do not think it will be the same again. I feel like I am moving forward, but I am not sure, I may just be fooling myself. 

I have friends to rely on whom I love

Well, finally it is summer vacation. I am not really noticing the hot weather yet, but the sloppy, empty days have already started. I will be working a lot though, but only for 2-3 weeks and I will be off to Florida!

Tourists in town!

Summer is approaching, and the cruise ships are coming in. It is really exciting because I get to speak English, especially at work.





Today a friend of mine and I went to town to hang with the tourists, in hope to talk to someone. We actually joined this small group on a short tour, trying to blend in. Unfortunately the cruise ship left early. In replacement, we pretended to be tourists and started talking English to each other. It was fun!

 "Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs."

Indifference

I just want to leave this place, go somewhere new and get an opportunity to do something different. I have always wanted to take my second year in the states, but unfortunately that opportunity is gone now. Honestly I do not think there has been any time I have wished more to go than now. Things are starting to fall apart, and even though it is giving up, I just want to forget about it. I just want to give up when I see that I am the only one fighting, when I am the only one who spends time and powers trying to fix it. I question myself if it is worth it, is it worth fighting for someone if the other person do not give a damn?


While losing my friend, I lose myself because it makes me so sad. For a while now I have felt this sadness and it changes me. I may seem happy and I may be laughing, but still the ache is there underneath it all. It is strange to look back a year and see the difference. My smile used to be so sincere.


At school life is easier though, because it takes my mind off of things. The nights are tougher. At night I have time to think and it just hurt so bad to think about it. It takes real effort to hold back my tears, and sometimes they are just too wild to be tamed.


Where were you when I needed you?

17th of May !

Today is Norway's national day, and I have been out celebrating the whole day. Some people walk in the streets while singing or playing in school bands, others stand on the line watching and cheering. I walked in "barnetoget" with my school. Afterwards my brother, my niece and I watched "russetoget". Russ is the celebration of graduation, which lasts about a month and 17th of May is the very last day as russ.

Then I went to my grandmother and grandfather and ate a whole lot before I went to town again and watched "folketoget". After that we went out at a Chinese restaurant, I ate fried banana with ice cream, before we went to my friend's house and just chilled for a while before we went home. It was a quite long day. 


I love this day more and more for every year that passes by. I love this country, my town, more and more in a way I never thought I would feel for this place. I am becoming a real patriot although I still love to travel and want to move abroad soon, but I know I will always end up here. 

Hey I'm Pluto

I have been told that I am not the person people really notice. For an instance, at gatherings where I meet new people, I am never the one people remember afterwards. I am just there. Well there is no point in complaining, it will not change anything, this is just the way I am. Not really shy or anything, just quiet. Still, it kind of sucks. 

Don't sail away without me

My self-esteem is decreasing and I am afraid I am about to crawl back into my shell. I take distance from everyone and I barely talk to people at the time. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with sadness, but then it goes away for a while and then I do not think about anything of significance. I feel so boring and lifeless, I wonder where my mind and soul went... 

I don't care!

Something else that, I do not know, bothers me or delights me is that I do not think too much about my problems. I know they are there, but I do not bother to try to figure them out (except from when I am writing them down here). They can solve themselves with the time. That is more chill. 

Heads&Hearts

Okay. I am contradicting myself a bit. I cannot do whatever I want to, because I care too much about other peoples' feelings, to just think of myself and what I want. Sure, I do not care about my feelings to get hurt, but I really do not want to be the person who hurts someone else. 


Also I have figured out something new about myself. I think it is almost impossible for me to like someone or develop feelings for someone if I know they already have feelings for me. What I mean is that if I do not know whether I like them or not, it will not go any further because I am too scared I will change my mind and hurt the other person. I feel trapped, but I guess I just have to take my chances and go for it if I want to. 













I cannot follow my heads' choice, if my heart thinks it is wrong. 

"If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid."

                                                                                                                                                              - Robert Greene 
Ahhh what to do...

Let's have some fun

I learned today that the perfect boy is just like every other not-so-perfect boy. I have this picture in my head of someone who will love me, respect me in every way and will not be unfaithful. I understand these are quite high demands. Even the ones I really trusted and thought so highly about turned out to be not so perfect after all. I do not blame them though, it just reminds me that I do not have to be too careful with what I do. I do not give a damn about my heart to be broken anymore, it will be broken several times anyway, because with love and happiness follow heartbreaks and sorrow. I just have to deal with it as it comes. So let us have some fun!

Let your fortress fall

"And you're slowly shaking finger tips

Show that you're scared like me so

Let's pretend we're alone

And I know you may be scared

And I know we're unprepared

But I don't care

Tell me, tell me

What makes you think that you are invincible?

I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure

Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable

Impossible"

-    Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade

Some people have the need to seem tougher or stronger than what they really are, and it must be so difficult and tiring. We are only human, and some times we just have to let people in and some feelings out. No one expects anyone to have everything under control all the time. It is only human to show your feelings now and then, and let someone who is close to you tear down the brick wall. 

This is an inspiring poem, but it says that nothing can take you down and under no circumstances, nothing will make you cry or feel for that sake. I think it is a bit heartless.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

by William Ernest Henley

Creativity is the keyword

Unfortunately I am back in a quite dull period again. After I got home from Barcelona, life has continued in the most boring way. I do not seem to appreciate events and nice moments. My life is just very normal and there is not much happening, even though I am not sure of what I am hoping to happen.

Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process.

                                                                                           - Anthony Robbins

Maybe I just want to meet new people and make new friends. At the time, partying is the highlight in my life, probably because that is the only fun thing I have access to at the moment opposed to travelling. Maybe I just miss the summer. Sunny days at the beach with all my friends, chill and fun.

I guess the solution for me is to be more creative and active. Come up with things to do, get-togethers and trips.

 "Creativity is intelligence having fun." 
                                                                                                  - Albert Einstein

Barca Baby!!

Okay, so tomorrow I am going to Barcelona with my bestest friend and I honestly cannot wait! I have never been to Spain before, and I am so excited to hear everybody speaking Spanish all the time. I had hoped I would be able to communicate a little in Spanish by now, but unfortunately I have no clue of what to say. 

There are so many bright sides to this trip. First of all I cannot wait to spend a whole week alone with my friend. I know it might sound weird, but even though I see her several times a week, I do not feel like it is enough. When we became friends we hung out all the time, every day, all day long. Now we do not hang out as much as before, but we are just as good friends. However, I sort of miss that time when I saw her every day, and this week it will be only me and her. Hahah, it sounds like I am in love with her or something, but I am not, she is just my closest friend. 

Second is that there is no one else in the world that I would rather 

explore the world with, and now we are going to this exciting country. 

Our goal, I think, is to explore many new places and things, and really 

get the feeling of the Spanish culture. We are expecting to taste a lot 

of new food, meet new people and really just live our lives. 

Third is that we are going alone, without any parents, which is kind 

of frightening, but we will stay at her uncle's place. He and his friend 

sound really cool, and I think they will take care of us. Still it is quite 

exciting that we are old enough to finally go travelling alone.

Forth is all the shops we will visit, and all the shopping. We have specifically planned to visit Starbucks, Hard Rock Café, Nagano sushi, somewhere to eat paella, kebab, the Picasso museum, the Gaudi park, Sagrada familia church and a lot more. Also we will shop till we drop, or until we do not have any money left. I will 

bring 500 euros and I hope I can afford a lot with it. 

COFFEE

Today I had a coffee course at work, and it was both interesting and frightening. There are just so many different details to remember, and I was told that if I forgot a small detail, it would ruin the whole coffee. Therefore I was quite stressed when it was my turn to try it out, but luckily it was not a disaster. From now on I just have to keep trying to make coffee and eventually I will become a professional barista. 

"Sometimes life is merely a matter of coffee and whatever intimacy a cup of coffee affords." 

— Richard Brautigan

. 

I guess this guy had had a little too much coffee, but the video is funny. Fortunately I am not as addicted to coffee as this young fellow.

First step forward

I have taken a step forward this month. I feel fresh, healthy and happy and a week ago or so, I got a job! My school was raising money for Malawi, a country in Africa, and so I decided to work at a bakery in town. Apparently they were so pleased with me that they decided to hire me. I am so thrilled! I have been looking for a job for a long time now. Actually they said they were happy I had chosen them to work for. I have got a feeling that life will be a little easier now, but also a lot more difficult. I feel this is a step toward my independence, and soon I will have enough money to get my own place, to travel and to do what I want to.  

What comes next?

I will shine

Six months ago I felt really good about myself, but the last couple of months the shine has gradually faded. However I have decided to change this in order to get my glow back. I will focus more on how I look, and how I act around people. I want to be a fun and bubbly girl who fills the room with joy. I want this happy energy to fill my body so that I can enchant people with it. And hopefully they will want to get to know me, not just walk by without noticing me.

It's a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I'll be ok

                                                                              - Brand new day by Joshua Radin

Pursue your dreams, if you have any

The last couple of weeks have been busy, or well at least I have not prioritized writing. I have been sick, but I guess that have been because I do not have willpower to do anything. I feel a little exhausted, not due to school, but of life. I wish I had any goals in life. Something more than just experiencing the world and have a family. I want something more out of my life, I want to be something special and something that really matters. Every day I feel more and more lost in this big world, and I realize I am just an ant in an anthill. We are all just workers. We work and work, only so that we can live, but the truth is that if we become too obsessed with working, we are not really living. 

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

                                                                                              - Oscar Wilde

However, the fact that I feel the way I do, makes me only more stupid and even more like the rest of the world. What I want, and what I want out of life, is what probably most of the population of this world wants too. I think to myself that I am the only one to feel like this, but in reality there are so many others who think like that too. Just like when I think I have a great problem or something horrible happens to me, I think to myself that I am the only one to experience that and I feel so alone, but when I think about it, I am quite sure there is someone out there who is going through the same. Probably something even worse. My thoughts are selfish.

I wish I had an answer of what I want out of life. What is my goal, what is my point of living? Do I want to follow the status quo and end up like every other family, working from 9 to 5 at a company I do not really like? I do not know, and I wish I did. Everybody needs a dream to pursue.

Hope for the future

A second, a minute, time passes without us paying attention to it. We do not feel the change from one year to another, but the truth is that every day is a new step toward the unknown, and one day less with the freedom of being young.

We fill our minds with what the future will bring, but never forget what the past has brought. Memories are the most cherished privileges in life, at least mine. A person who cannot remember, is a very lost person.

                                                                                          

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it in all at once."

                                                                                                        -Audrey Hepburn

 I have grown up among friends and family, always someone to love, always someone who loves me. Through the years I have met new people, made new friends, but at the same time I have slowly slipped away from old friends. While getting to know all the new people, you give less time to your old friends.The ones I have grown up with are almost replaced with new friends, and I cannot help to think; Before I thought I would never slip away from my former friends and that happened. Now I sort of worry that will happen with my current friends. I guess it is just all up to me, whether I will let it happen or not.

However, what is the most important to me, is that even though some friends will come, and some will go, I hope I always will have the ones who are the most important to me around. 

Half full or half empty

Lately I guess, I have been thrown back to where I started; I do not have much to think about, and my head is almost completely blank. However, everything is good, everything is chill.

There is no love like the first

"The first time you fall in love, it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away."

                                                                                                              - Nicholas Sparks

My first love is a good memory, and I love to look back at it. There was no fighting, just happiness and love. I am so sincerely happy he was my first love, and I will carry the feeling of being loved like that for the rest of my life. 

Now and then I realize how stupid it was of me to let go of him. How can I get anyone better than him? Or at least anything close to how great he was. Is. Sometimes I think I should not have pushed him away, that I should have endured it and tried to solve it. I blame it on that I was young and did not know what I wanted. Maybe I was insecure, but mostly I pushed him away because that is what I do. Like I said in that earlier post. But if we are meant to be, then maybe we will be united someday.

"One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder."

The power of love

How great the power of hugs and kisses are. It simply symbolizes your love and care toward a person, without words. One hug, one kiss and words do not matter. 

Christmas is almost over, and a great deal of hugs have been received and given. How grateful I am to have spent this wonderful holiday with all the people I love. It is a holiday of happiness and kindness, no matter where you are, most people are smiling and are being helpful. This holiday makes me think of all the things I am grateful for, and I am sure that is something that passes most people's mind. The year has brought me both happiness and sorrows. This is significant because otherwise we would not know when a good thing happens, if we do not experience something bad. Therefore I have learned something from both, which I am grateful for. That is what makes me the person I am, and where I am today. 

   "I AM WHAT LIFE MADE ME"

Today is New Years Eve and I am really looking forward to the upcoming year. I know I will learn and experience more, and get on with my life. Do something new, get the chance to experience something out of the ordinary. Happy New Year!!

"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."

                                                                                                                                - Neil Gaiman

New friends and new places to see

My biggest dream is to travel and experience the world. Move to different continents, and really understand what is going on outside my peaceful little bubble. Earlier today I was watching Miami Ink, and Ami thought that people can learn a great deal more by experiencing countries, than going to school and study for eight years. I think he is absolutely right, and I would love the opportunity to travel as soon as possible. However, I have been trying to convince my parents to letting me move to the US for one year to study, but they are really stubborn. 

Life is kind of short, and I want to live my life and follow my dreams, what else are we supposed to do with life? I am probably going to end up like everyone else; married, kids, house and go on vacations now and then, but still, I want to do everything I can in my life while I have got the time and freedom. I do not see any reason to maintain where I am for three more years, it will be a waste of time. Also it does not really matter where I am in the world, I will always come back and we are all under the same sky, under the same moon.

"It doesn't matter where it is in the sky or where you are in the world,the moon is never bigger than your thumb."

                                                              from Dear John

  Lately I have been almost obsessed with the moon, Venus and Jupiter. I am not entirely sure it was Jupiter I saw early in November, but from November and until now I have seen a very bright star next to the moon. This star is not a start, though, it is the planet Venus. For a while now, I have been completely mesmerized by the moon because it is so bright and enlightens the night. And suddenly I noticed a bright shining star next to it. The two of them together is maybe something of the most beautiful I have ever seen. Especially at dawn. The moon makes me feel safe, like I said, it enlightens the night and shows me the way. Some nights the moon is gone, and suddenly I feel very alone, but when it is up in the sky, all shiny and bright, I instantly feel calm. Safe.

"So tell 'em all I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
And to sleep under the stars
Who could ask for more
With the moon keeping watch over me"

                                                                                                    On my way by Phil Collins

Shake up the happiness

Christmas is approaching in full speed, I just started my Christmas Holidays. The houses are warm and snug, and outside it is snowing thick layers of white, perfect crystals. The cities are transformed into winter wonderlands with Christmas lights and Christmas decorations, and the Christmas Carols are rocking the radios. 

These Christmas days we do everything we can to lure out the Christmas spirit. We decorate with tiny Santa Claus figures, lights in the windows, especially stars, and we bake cookies and decorate the Christmas tree while listening to Christmas Carols. One of my favorite Christmas Carols is "Shake up the happiness" by Train. The song is so incredibly happy and it is also the new Coca Cola song, which makes it even better because the Coca Cola songs and commercials are the best.

I am only human

I keep my emotions to myself. If there is something I want someone to know, I try to tell them, but still, there are so many feelings I just do not bother to tell. I ask myself why, and maybe I think they are not worth telling, or that I should not complain. Or maybe I just want to seem stronger than what I am and maybe I just do not want their pity. Of course I am not the only one who want to seem stronger, and also I know I am not the only one to feel how I feel.

 In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

                                                                            -Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Everybody has their dark days when they only think about something sad or feeling sorry for them self. I have those days sometimes. I do not feel like doing anything except being alone, listening to music and thinking about it. I look for reasons to why it happened, how I reacted, how I should have reacted and what comes next. 
  

"Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs."

I tend to push people away sometimes. It usually happens if I open up to a person and show or tell how I feel or how much I care for that person. After declaring my feelings, one would wish to get the same reaction back. Well, if the other person does not show as much affection as I do, I instantly crawl back into my shell. It is like saying "okay, as you like" and have them to fight for you to get you back, as if anyone would do that. It is like sitting on a chair at prom, hoping someone will drag you out from your gloomy mood and ask you to dance. Those incidents rarely happen, and it is a waste of time to hope they will. However, what keeps us going is love, and sometimes we just need to hear from someone that they love us back. There is nothing wrong in that.

Referring to the quote, I warn everybody not to push people too far away. Maybe they need a second chance because you are not guaranteed to get them back. If you really love the person and care for him or her, it is not worth taking the risk. Once you push them away, you might not ever get them back.

Speaking vs. listening

I would say my thoughts have been rather absent lately. No worries have been occupying me, except schoolwork and studying for my test. It has been quite relaxing actually. I have been with my friends, some "new", and some "old" who I try not to lose touch with. I hope the following days will be like the last week. 

I also hope that the blogging will help me though, to make me want to think more. I find everything uninteresting, and I simply do not care about anything and I do not bother to think. Although it is easier not to think and worry, I feel like the meaning of life, to become wiser and to experience life, is increasing. I want to get my voice back, to have a say in what people are discussing, and not just listen.

"knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens"

                                                                                -Jimi Hendrix

I am not contradicting myself, I just have to participate in conversations more, and to share my opinions with others. I am not sure why, maybe to let people know I am a bright girl with thoughts of my own. I need something to contribute with, as to thinking I am nothing special. 

The difference between listening and speaking is that when you listen to what people say, you hear only their opinion. You do not start debating with yourself whether it is right or wrong, or why it is so, while listening. When you are talking, you have to assemble all your thoughts and opinions, and really think it through, which is what I want to achieve. To find my thoughts, gather them and make them significant. I am so tired of feeling so small amongst everyone, I need to stick out from the crowd.

I believe it is important to get used to use your voice, and tell people what you think. However, I am more of a listener, whether I want to or not.That is my best quality I believe, the ability to listen to my friends' problems and being a good friend.

"We have two ears and one mouth so we may listen more and talk the less"

                                                                                                                     -Epictetus

My very first post

Well this is the first post in my new blog. Here I will write down all my thoughts, preoccupations, feelings and all that pops into my mind. I am quite sure I will add new posts approximately once a week, more or less. Hopefully, later on, my English will be improved.