The talk

How is it possible that it actually takes this long to get over someone. After all this time I still think about him, and I definitely think that we should have talked about why it ended. Unfortunately, I feel that it has been too long now to bring it up, and also he has a girlfriend now. The next best option is to let it all out here. Just to have it said, and also to always remind myself of why it would not have worked between us as it was. 

Basically there were three reasons to why it all ended in my eyes. The first reason is that he did not really open up to me, and never really cuddled with me. I missed that caring, loving touch. I would give him head massages and stroke my fingers on his back and arms, but he would not do it in return. That to me is not okay, if someone expects me to care about them, they better show that they care about me as well. 

The second reason was that, well, the sex was not really that good. I guess mostly because I was not feeling secure and confident around him. What could have been fun and spontaneous, was instead based on my fear of losing him, and he not really liking me the way I liked him. 

The third reason was that I felt like he was ashamed of me, or at least too embarrassed to tell people that we were seeing each other. We actually had to keep it a secret from our group of friends, which he explained was because he did not want to hurt his best friend who also liked me. One time he actually drove all the way home to write on his own computer in an online game, to tell his friend he was not available to play at that moment, and then he came all the way back to my house. That really made me feel like shit, but I still told him that he could come back even though I was pissed, because I thought that if I told him not to come, we would be done. 

I do think a lot about him, and wish that he would come back to me. However, I do know that if we did end up having the conversation, I would not take him back that very second. I would let him know that he did simply not have what I am looking for in a boyfriend. I would also let him know that the way he made me feel, was not right and I know I deserve better. I am not someone anyone should be hiding, or seeing in secret. I am someone who deserves to be shown off to his friends with pride. I deserve someone who makes me feel special, loved and good enough.