It may seem like this appears out of blue skies, but it has been weighting on my heart for a while. I have not been able to tell you, until almost now.
I was seventeen. It was most likely the first party I attended and it was at my co-workers house and his room mate's, you. It was actually the first time I spent time with my co-worker after work, who was gay, and we had a really good time. You and your friends were celebrating that you had just finished an exam in petroleum.
After a while of pre drinks, you and your friends who were all 23 years old, went downtown to the nightclubs. Me and my friend stayed behind because we were too young to go out. We finished the party by drinking all of your left overs. By the end of the night we got really drunk and we went to bed in my co-workers room. After a while of talking in bed, he tried to kiss me and I felt really uncomfortable, and I decided to sleep on the couch in the living room instead. During the night you came home from the city. Alone. Fortunately you came home to a girl sleeping on your couch... I have no recollection of you coming home at all. All I remember is waking up in your bed the next morning. I did not know you and had barely talked to you. And suddenly I woke up in your bed, naked. On the floor I found a condom covered in blood. I rushed to the bathroom and had a really long shower. I felt so dirty I kept scrubbing and scrubbing to feel clean.
I do not remember anything else from that day, other than going into my friend's room and saying I was sorry. I probably went home as quickly as possible after that. The next days was a nightmare. My stomach hurt and I was really anxious. I felt so guilty for sleeping with my friend's room mate, which I knew my friend really liked, in a romantic way, and I could not understand how it had happened. I remember having my exams, but all I could manage to do was to stare into empty air, thinking of what I had done.
It took me five years to realise that it was not me who had done something wrong. Suddenly, while laying alone in bed one night, the truth washed upon me and I swear my body turned cold. My thoughts went dark and I finally understood that what had happened was really not ok, and it was not my fault. A whole week went by with a kind of heavy, sad darkness over me. I was confused to how I could think it was all my fault. You were six years older than me, you came home from town with no luck, empty-handed, and found me there on the couch. Easy target. And we never spoke again. It was my first time, and my first time was a sexual assault. I had no way to consent as I was asleep on the couch. What happened on the way from the couch to your bedroom, I do not remember. Perhaps I had a black out. Nonetheless, I was too drunk to be able to consent to anything at all, half asleep. And the shock, disbelief and bad feeling i woke up with the next day confirms that this was not something I wanted.
It has taken me almost a decade to get this "down on paper". And for years I have struggled with the fact that this happened. It has caused a lot of stress and vulnerability, and I ended up losing completely control of my body and my rights, in an attempt to regain control of my body.
Now, after all these years, I have moved on and settled with the thought of this not being a big deal. It still makes me sad to think about what happened and how it has affected my adult life, but I have to move on. I am too aware that nothing can be done, and all I can hope for is that this will not happen to someone else. It is depressing that it will, because too many young men do not understand where the limit is. I just wanted you to know.
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