The grey zone

I was actually lucky enough to meet someone that I wanted to open myself up a little bit to. Over the last month and a half, I have been completely engulfed in this boy. I was even afraid to tell my friends about him too early, in fear of jinxing it.

We have been talking a lot, daily actually, and I have been seeing him several times a week too. Whenever I get the chance, I invite him over to my place. We cannot stay at his, because he does not want his parents to know me (yet?). This puts me in the uncomfortable position where I have to invite him whenever we are going to meet up. The problem is, that he has me in a place completely new to me. I am used to being in control, not to like anyone and not to feel weak and vulnerable.

I guess I asked him to come over a little too much, and I probably seemed needy and clingy. These sides of me are so completely strange and new to me, I honestly do not understand what is going on. And I hate it. Eventually the texts have been fewer, and I have not seen him for several days. This could all be my imagination and vulnerability speaking, but this new me is nervous and sad to think that all this might be ending.

It hurts to know that we are both sitting alone at home, and that he does not bother to come over unless I ask him to come. I am the one who feels too much, and where did all this come from?! I guess I will just wait and see what happens, but I am afraid I will turn to old habits and reject him as soon as I feel a little bit rejected myself. I know the old me, I know what I would usually do, and I have been fighting my old instincts for so long, trying to give love a chance whenever I get a shot at it. I am crossing my fingers, wishing for this guy to please hold on to me and not get tired of me right a way. Please, love me at least for a just a little while.