Be kinder

I write about crawling back into my shell and fighting my instincts, but the truth is, what I am really trying to fight is my biggest fear; to not be loved by the ones I love the most. I am always holding back and afraid to be the one that loves the most, while in fact it is just another way of saying that I am scared people will not like me for who I am.

When I was younger, I always felt that my actions and what I was saying were the right things to do and say. The last couple of years, I have realised that not everything that I think and feel, is right. I started questioning myself, my thoughts, my actions. I am not as perfect in my mind anymore. I do not know if my personality has changed a lot since I was fifteen, or maybe I have always been like this, just too confident in my opinions.

Five years ago I was positive that my friends were going to be forever, but so much has changed. A couple months ago I learned that my closest friend had been mad at me for probably years, and that she had been thinking negatively of me for a really long time. To learn that even my best friend had such a problem with me, makes me really question myself, and it hurts. I also went travelling with two other friends who are more distant friends, and they could not even survive more that a month and a half with me, and I had to continue my trip alone. This has had a huge impact on my self confidence, am I really that bad?

All this was going on in my mind last night, when I was trying to sleep. And as I was twisting and turning in bed, I made up my mind that I should try harder to be more humble and considerate. Be kinder.