Desperation

I feel like I need someone to talk to, and this is my go-to place. I do not know how to sort all my thoughts at this time, but I will do my best. Last year I fell for a guy that was a friend of mine that I had had a crush on for a really long time. We were going out for two months, but he did not want to tell his friends about us and when things got hard everything just ended suddenly. That last part is on me. I always back away as soon as things get difficult, and I hate myself for it. 

I have not talked much to this guy after, but we ended up going on a trip to Crete with our friends together, and sharing rooms. Just before the trip I learned that this guy had told one of the other guys that he had feelings for the other guy's sister. Honestly it was a relief just as much as it was a disappointment for me to learn this before the trip because I did not know what to expect to happen on beforehand, but now I knew we would act just as friends, even though that might be hard sometimes. The week went by and luckily, or unluckily, we went by without having to bring up our past to ruin it all. The problem is that I still have feelings for him, and when I got home and was finally by myself, I burst into tears. Apparently that week had been tougher on me that I had thought. 

A couple nights after my return home, I was turning in bed trying to think of everything but him as I had done the last couple of days. Every time, my thoughts returned to him. I decided to delete our conversation on facebook, but after reading it first I realised there might be a reason why I am the way I am towards people. It got me thinking about elementary school. Every day I biked to school. And the thing is, almost every day I thought about biking into the road without looking for cars, and maybe get hit by one. I had this yearning to get hurt, so that I could see who would even care. I had never thought about this before, that I had had actual suicide thoughts when I was little, and it was all because I wanted attention. That was something I thought about at that time though, that I was just looking for attention and would do anything for it, but the truth is, I almost would. I never had the relationship with my parents where they would tell me they loved me, and if I told them, it would be really awkward for a while. This all made me think that I must be really desperate to feel love, and I think I still feel as desperate. And because of this, I find it very hard to trust people that they actually love me. In the end I push them away because I do not believe they really do feel the same way as I do. 

Sometimes I worry this is the beginning of the illness that my mom has with her thoughts, and that I might have it too. I just do not trust people, and I do not think that they will love me back. So I push them away.